His damaged life
by Hikaro22
Summary: It's about a father's death and a son's pain. About a punch that should have been delivered, but never was. It's about the reasons why. Really, it's about love.
1. My worst day ever

Hey, this is my first Fanfiction that I plan to work through, especially a story about two guys! I do not own Scrubs or any of the characters.

I would like to thank And She would Fall Xx: She has been my Beta, my person I turn to for advice, and detail help. If you see something very detailed, chances are she did them.

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J.D. clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him. It was the worst week of his life. A father's death is never easy to deal with, even without having someone you idolize mock you for your distress.

"Newbie, it's just a hug," Dr. Cox said as he held his arms out.

"You know what? I am sick and tired of working my ass off for you every day, hoping for the smallest gratitude, and yet all I get is your macho bull shit! Can't you leave me the hell alone for once?" J.D. shouted. Every moment of his residency, all Dr. Cox did to him was put him down. He wondered if he could ever do anything that would earn him the respect and approval that he craved from his mentor.

Dr. Cox drew his arms in, swiping his nose and crossing them tightly across his chest. J.D. noticed a vein pulsing dangerously in his neck, and his jaw muscles twitching, fighting back a no-doubt biting remark. He took a deep breath, the unnatural scarlet color his face had turned paling slightly. "Charlotte, I am trying to help you out, here. If you don't want it, then fine."He turned around and left J.D. alone in the doctor's lounge, slamming the door on his way out.

Jonathan Dorian regretted everything he said the moment the door shut, but he knew it was all true. 'He is just trying to mock me again,' J.D thought as he got off the couch. His head was swarming with anger. Storming out of the lounge, all he could think of was getting to his apartment, away from the hospital, and the jackass who inhabited it. He pushed his way through the crowd by the nurse's station, knocking Carla's clipboard to the ground.

"Bambi, what's the matter?" Carla asked as she grabbed his arm.

J.D.'s head turned quickly as he looked at Carla. He bent down to pick up her clipboard, turning it over in his hands, lost in thought. 'She probably told Perry to talk to me,' he considered. Handing the clipboard back to his friend, his mind reeled with this notion. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. If she knew he was upset, Carla, of all people, would be the one to have the guts to stand up to Dr. Cox and try to make the cruel man comfort him. Everyone else understood that the man was about as comforting as a migraine.

"Bambi?" Carla pulled him out of his own mind, and he snapped, "Why would you tell that condescending bastard to talk to me?" Several of the interns ran off, fearing an argument they would rather die than be pulled into, as Laverne watched intently.

"You have been depressed out of your mind the past few days, and you won't listen to anyone! I figured the only person you would listen to was him," she said. It pained her to see Bambi this saddened. Guilt welled up in her gut. She had honestly thought that sending Dr. Cox to talk to J.D. had been the right thing to do. The boy hung on the older man's every word! Though most of his words were harsh and mean-spirited, she thought he might have been able to conjure up an ounce of sympathy, having lived through the same thing years ago. Apparently not.

"Well then maybe you should have told him to not be such an ass!" J.D. yelled as he turned and stomped his feet childishly towards the exit. He was angrier than he could ever remember being, and knew that the first person who stood between him and his scooter would have to face his wrath, whether they deserved it or not.

"Dr. Dorian, do you have a moment?" A voice said from behind him.

J.D. turned around and was face-to-face with Keith. Oh, how he hated Keith.

"No, in fact, I do not have a moment for you, Keith. Maybe you should do your job on your own for once," he yelled before heading to the elevator. Well, at least he had deserved it. No one dared stand within two feet of him, perhaps feeling the waves of anger rolling off of him incessantly, as he practically ran out of the hospital. He fastened his helmet and got on his Moped. His mind was filled with white-hot fury as he drove home. He made his way into his apartment and threw himself onto the couch. He laid his head on a pillow as he turned on the television to watch a show he hardly cared about, if only to dispel the memories of this wretched day from his mind. He closed his eyes, and eventually drifted off to sleep.

He was awoken abruptly by a knock on the door. He mumbled as he shuffled towards it. Perry was waiting for him, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, on the other side.

"Didn't get enough enjoyment from earlier?" J.D. asked sarcastically. He couldn't believe Cox had the nerve to come to his house. "Want to check out my bathroom? I've got some shampoos that you might enjoy mocking."

"As tempting as that sounds, Newbie, I am just trying to help you." He said as he looked almost sympathetic. "Can I come in?"

"Whatever," J.D. said as he turned around. He sat back on the couch and flipped through a few channels. He heard the door click shut quietly and found himself feeling slightly trapped inside of his own apartment. The couch sank beside him as Perry sat down.

"I know what it's like to lose your father," Cox said as he rested his arm on the back of J.D.'s couch.

Furrowing his brow and leaning heavily away from the older man, J.D. replied, "But did everyone come up to you and drown you in their fake sincerity?" He asked. He focused on the image of Dr. Cox giving up and leaving him alone in his apartment once more, hoping that it might actually happen if he concentrated enough.

"Mary, no one is being fake." Perry sighed as he stared at J.D.

"Then why would Carla need to ask you to come talk with me? If you really cared you would have come on your own!" he yelled.

Perry fixed his eyes on the television before them as he stated, "I was going to come anyway; Carla just gave me the reason."

"Whatever," J.D. said before turning the other way. "You know where the door is," he stated.

Perry glanced at the door and then J.D. He shifted closer to Dorian on the couch, and winced as he violated his own "no-touching" policy, and wrapped his arms around J.D.'s waist, hugging him swiftly. "Only God in his infinite wisdom knows why, but people care about you, Nancy." He waited a moment before getting off of the couch, giving the young doctor a chance to speak. When no response came, he shoved his hands back into his jean pockets and left.

After sitting immobilized for a few minutes, J.D. finally spoke. "Carla spoke to him again, I bet..." He sighed. His friends were trying to fix his life. None of them ever even knew or understood what he was going through. Did they really have the audacity to toy with him now?


	2. My choices

I am glad so many of you enjoyed the first chapter. As always this is my first try to so go easy. I also must thank And She will Fall Xx because she is been great help. If you enjoy it please tell me by review or message!

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J.D. could barely sleep as he lay on the couch, his eyes staring dully at the floor. _Turk and Carla will be here soon_, he thought. His mind reeled with things that needed to be called to attention. He imagined what he would say and his friends' reactions as the seconds ticked by. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes seemed to pass by endlessly until, twenty long minutes later, Turk and Carla returned home.

J.D. sat up as Turk patted Rowdy and fell onto the couch, exchanging quick pleasantries with J.D. Carla poured her husband a glass of water, handing it to him before settling herself into the couch across from them. She closed her eyes and rested her head on the palm of her hand, listening to the men's senseless chatter.

"Bambi, did you come by earlier?" Carla asked. J.D.'s smile withered as he remembered what he had needed to confront his friends about. He opened his mouth to start the speech he had prepared in his mind, but realized with a start that he was nowhere near as brave in actuality as he was in his daydreams. He let his eyes wander around the room, taking in small details that he hoped could give him courage. For instance, Rowdy was looking particularly cheerful today, and the stain his last patient's blood had left on his favorite pair of light blue scrubs had washed off completely.

"I didn't appreciate you sending him over here to mess with me, Carla," J.D. said, looking out the window. _Why can't I be a cloud, _he wondered. _They never deal with this kind of stuff. _He fought with his own mind not to let himself drift into a daydream while trying to be taken seriously.

"I was only trying to help. Hell, even he is worried about you," Carla said as she shifted on the couch to lean towards J.D., her elbows resting on her knees. She stared at the man's face. He hadn't shaved since he heard the news and it was starting to show, the dark stubble on his generally smooth face making him look paler than usual. "We're all worried about you."

"Well, I wish you weren't! I don't need all of your bull about how everyone is here for me! I bet you paid Cox to come over here. Either that, or you threatened to rat him out to Jordan." Dorian said as he stood up. "If you all would just leave me alone for once, we wouldn't be having this problem."

"Now, hold on a moment," Turk said, defending his wife. He rose from the couch as well and held out his hands in a defensive gesture. "We want to help you. If not, you might end up doing something that you'll regret." His eyes were filled with worry. When J.D. suffered, they all did. It was strange how none of them ever realized how dependent they were upon J.D's relentless cheerfulness. His smile was infectious and as constant as Laverne's gossip or The Todd's innuendo. It was the solid ground upon which they all walked, and now that it was gone, they felt as if they were treading on a thin layer of ice.

"Well, I don't care," J.D. whispered as he walked to his room. Once the door shut his eyes closed, trying to wrestle with his thoughts. _They're here so that they can be there for you, _his conscious reminded him. He couldn't help but feel a growing sense guilt in the pit of his stomach. He walked to his bed and fell, face first, onto the mattress.

In the end, everything comes down to what helps you sleep at night. Turk and Carla stayed right outside of his room on the couch throughout the night, dozing off occasionally, not wanting to leave their friend by himself, but not wanting to be intrusive, either. Perry Cox drank until he was so inebriated that he couldn't even remember why the Newbie had been plaguing his thoughts in the first place, and he promptly passed out. And J.D. did what he always did. He pushed negative thoughts to the back of his mind and thought only of his fatigue. Some may call it denial, but really, it wasn't so different than what the others were doing. Because, in a hospital where lives are lost and relationships are destroyed on a daily basis, sleep is invaluable, leaving you refreshed and ready to face another tragic day.

The sound of a slamming car door woke JD up instantly. He stifled a yawn then looked toward the clock. It blinked 8 A.M. _I'm late,_ he thought to himself as he opened his closet. He hurriedly threw on a long sleeve shirt and a pair of clean, navy blue scrubs, gathering his things and rushing into his kitchen to grab a muffin. Upon the counter was a note, written by the Latina woman who was currently driving him insane.

_Didn't wake you because you needed the rest. Me and Elliot will cover for you. Love, Carla._

He groaned as he crumpled the piece of paper. He didn't need everyone's help; he could make it on his own. Contrary to what Dr. Cox reminded him of on a daily basis, J.D. was, in fact, a man who could hold his own, even in such a cruel, unforgiving world. J.D. walked out the front door and out of the building, stopping only to get on Sasha and careen out of the parking lot.

He arrived at Sacred Hearts in a matter of minutes. He patted his scooter goodbye, and was in the door before 8:20. Several of the interns stared at him as he stepped into the elevator. Rolling his eyes, he tapped his feet impatiently, feeling several sets of eyes burning a hole into the back of his head. Within seconds the tension was killing him, and he stepped out of the elevator the moment the doors opened. J.D. walked around, disoriented, for quite some time before realizing that he had gotten out of the elevator four flights too early.

J.D. walked down the hall and opened the door that lead to the stairs. After tackling the task of several flights of stairs, the doctor grabbed a chart at the nurse's station.

"Mrs. Grent is losing motor control on her left side," A nurse said as she walked with Dorian through the halls.

"Give her a Protein CSF Test, then get back to me," He said as he handed the chart back to her, after signing. J.D. spent the rest of the day checking on patients, concentrating solely on them, instead of his infuriating friends, and the always-impossible Dr. Cox.

The second his shift was over, he headed toward the roof. He threw the door open and walked toward the edge. He rested his hands on the rail as he looked down.

_So many people. Almost like ants,_ he thought, knowing that it was clichéd. Behind him he heard a door open. JD quickly turned around and saw the one person he didn't want to see at the time.

"What is it you want?" he asked as he turned back around. He couldn't look at the man for more than a few moments without his anger threatening to boil over.

"Let's go, Newbie," Perry said as he grabbed the younger man's frail wrist. J.D. quickly shook his hand, breaking the grip.

"Where do you want me to go?" He asked as he stared at the man.

"We are going to the bar. You need to talk it out," Perry stated as he placed his hand on JD's shoulder. "Nancy, I know I constantly berate you, but this time I am being serious."

And there it was. Dr. Cox was offering something he would never be able to turn down after he had chased after it for so many years. A trip to the bar; a chance to talk about how he feels. J.D.'s eyes grew brighter and a smile sneaked its way onto his face before he realized that he was still furious. His smile quickly disintegrated and his eyes shifted back to the army of ants going about their usual business on the sidewalk below.

His rage once again a part of him, he tried to convince himself that he didn't need, or want, to talk to Dr. Cox, the man who was, in so many ways, his mentor, but always kept himself at arm's length. Even now, with his hand resting gently on J.D.'s shoulder, his muscles twitched and ached to pull away from the uncomfortable physical contact that he had initiated.

J.D. figured that he would never be able to fully explain – or even understand – why he had known from the moment that the invitation had left Perry's lips that he would go to the bar. All he knew for sure was that this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he had never been one to let such opportunities slip through his fingers.

J.D. sighed to himself before looking at his mentor. "Let's go."


	3. My conversation

I have been working non-stop to get these out. Remember, I do not own Scrubs or anything related, and I hope you enjoy. I have to thank my Beta, And She Will Fall Xx, because she has been great help. As Always message me or review if you enjoyed it.

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It was three hours since Dr. Cox confronted J.D. on the roof, and after downing several Appletinis, J.D. had started to talk. At first, he talked about anything and everything. He spoke of his brother, and some of the cruel pranks he had played, and he talked about Turk, recounting college stories and some of their more recent practical jokes, most of which centered themselves around a dead, stuffed yellow lab. Dr. Cox stared at his beer, smirking when appropriate and grimacing when he found a story particularly unbearable. Never once, however, had he interrupted, and for that, an entirely intoxicated J.D. was grateful. When there were no more stories to be told and the beginnings of an awkward silence settled themselves over the two men, J.D. began to talk about what Dr. Cox had been waiting for since their encounter on the roof of that God-forsaken hospital.

"It's just been so hard. My father was always there for me, and I just never figured he would die so young..." JD trailed off as he took another sip of his 'tini. His eyes had bags below them from a collection of many sleepless nights; the stress had clearly been eating him whole.

"Newbie, your father was proud of you," said as he ordered another beer. _Why in God's name would a man order anything 'tini? _he asked himself. "You cannot let this hold you down, Susan."

"You can only say that because you never felt this pain before," Dorian sighed. He wondered if any of his friends could ever completely understand what he was going through. To lose a patient was one thing. As Dr. Cox himself had once said, a patient was just a stranger in a hospital bed. He had lost plenty of patients, many of them by his own hand. To lose a friend, husband, an aunt, or even a father who sold office supplies was something completely different. It was a loneliness that could be felt by none other than those who had experienced it firsthand.

"You're wrong there, Charlotte. I have lost both my father and step-brother, and even though I doubt I will miss the occasional beatings, I still had to live through his death." Perry said as he sipped his beer. J.D. wondered how his mentor could be so nonchalant while saying something so tragic, and at the same time, hoped that he would one day be strong enough to be able to do the same.

J.D. stared at his drink as his hands shook. "This is different."

"How the hell is it any different? Is my father's death any less important than yours?" Perry asked, anger in his voice, beginning to cloud his judgment. Or it might have been this last beer that did that. Was he on his fifth now? He had lost track.

"You had a family to be there for you," J.D. whispered as he stared at the bar.

"What would you call the people who are constantly watching out for you? The ones who are walking around on pins and needles, just praying to the gods that they don't do or say anything that could potentially hurt you? Hell, Carla stood up to the devil who runs that hell-hole some call Sacred Heart! She kept saying something like you were on another floor, and he just missed you." Perry cursed, finishing his beer in another gulp.

"They just don't get it," J.D. said.

"Well then who gets it, Brittney? Do you even get it?" Perry furrowed his brow and evaluated the younger man's face briefly before returning to his beer, or his safe haven. When things got just a bit too personal, or when the awkwardness in the air was so tangible that it seemed as if they were a party of three, he always had a beer in his hand and a sports game on the miniscule television above the bar to fall back on.

J.D.'s eyes were blank as he looked up. _Did anyone really get it? _"Imagine your heart being ripped out by someone who loved you, and they take it six feet under."

"Oh, Shakespeare, now, are we?" Perry mocked as he ate a handful of peanuts. "Listen here, Newbie, I did drag you here so that, God help me, you could talk, but damn it all, I forgot to bring my book of sonnets and makeup remover for you to clean up with. I would run home and get them, but I'm afraid that when I get back, you will, in fact, be drowning in a pool of – you guessed it – your own tears."

"I don't need any of your big, angry lectures right now." In all honesty, J.D. was just shocked that he had made it so long without saying one condescending thing to him. Of course, all good things must come to an end.

"Actually I think that is _exactly_ what you need, Darlene," said. "I think you need someone to remove you from your little pity party. Unfortunately, since every else is too busy trying to kiss your ass, that joyous task has been left up to me."

"Why am I even here?" J.D. mumbled under his breath.

"What is it, Newbie? If you are going to say something, grow a pair and say it loud enough for me to hear," Perry antagonized. The bastard was clearly enjoying every moment of this.

"Do you have nothing better to do than torment me?" J.D. stared angrily into the Appletini in his grasp, twirling the glass absently between his hands.

"Dorian, if you are just going to be this depressed for the rest of your life, then is it really worth living?" Perry asked, rolling his eyes and ordering another beer.

J.D.'s face went pale as he heard the words. _Was it really worth it?_ He couldn't shake the words from his mind. Throwing back the last of his drink, he pulled several bills out of his wallet and threw them on the counter before getting up and heading for the exit. He looked back toward Perry one last time before opening the door and walking out into the cool, crisp air.

looked at the door and stared where he saw the resident not a minute ago. _I shouldn't have said that._ He sighed as he thought about his words.

A loud screech came from outside as several people began shouting. Dr. Cox slammed the rest of the money on the bar, running out the door and examining the scene.

A car was parked diagonally in the middle of the street, feet away from the entrance to the bar. Several feet away lay a bloodied body.

"God, no," Perry gasped as he ran up to the unmoving figure. Blood ran down the man's face, covering half of it in a red haze, but the person was unmistakable. He grabbed his cell and began to dial.

"I need an ambulance, now!" he shouted, and after giving the address, he hung up. Perry put his hands under the person's neck and elevated his head.

"Damn it, Newbie, I'm not going to let you die on me."


	4. My hospital stay

It had started to rain. Ominous grey clouds loomed overhead, thunder clapping and the night sky darkening. Perry never noticed it. He was holding J.D.'s head as blood rushed out of a gash in the side of his head. Perry's rationality had him silently examining the boy's body, taking in blood and yellow skin where bruises were sure to be found the next day – if there was a next day for him, of course. Blunt trauma caused excessive bleeding; J.D. would need a transfusion. The possibility of an intracranial hemorrhage was also a dangerous possibility, along with damage to a major organ or the severance of any main arteries or veins. Perry had been with the body for mere minutes, waiting for the paramedics to arrive, but as he continued to take stock of J.D.'s critical condition, it felt like much, much more. It wasn't much longer until an ambulance reached the bar.

Three men rushed out of the vehicle as they pulled out a stretcher. With careful hands they lifted the body onto the stretcher and placed it in the van. Dr. Cox headed toward them as they started to close the doors.

"Are you a relative?" one of the paramedics asked.

"No, I'm a doctor," He said as he stepped into the ambulance. He had trouble watching as they placed IVs into the limp body. It was incredibly hard to be in the ambulance as an objective doctor, one who had just stumbled across the accident scene, when it was a person close to him hiding beneath layers of gore and ice cold skin. An overwhelming sense of guilt added to this feeling, he supposed. He had a horrible feeling that the whole thing was caused by his offhand comment at the bar. He grabbed Newbie's hand, mindful of the tubes that were now connected to him, as soon as the paramedic moved back, to the other side of the ambulance. He signaled to the driver, and they were on their way. "It is going to be okay," he said, more to reassure himself than to reassure the unconscious form that was J.D.

Once they reached the hospital, chaos ensued outside the doors of Sacred Heart as JD was strolled in. Friends and loved ones watched in panic as the amiable young doctor was wheeled in, a macabre sight. Doctors rushed to take the gurney from the paramedics, struggling not to let personal feelings interfere with the job at hand. Perry was right behind them as he was taken to the Emergency Room.

"Bambi!" Carla yelled as she rushed to the stretcher. She looked at the mangled body and then at Perry. "What the hell happened to him?"

He looked at his feet before speaking. "I'm sorry Carla."

"You're sorry?" She asked before letting it sink in. Stunned tears streamed down her face as she took long strides to keep up with the gurney. A note of hysteria entered her voice as she cried, "This is your fault? How could you do something like this?" She pressed her palms to her eyes and sobbed. Turk ran to catch up from behind her, and held her, his eyes never leaving Dr. Cox as he mouthed the words, 'What the hell happened?'

Perry sat in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity. He hated the waiting room. It was filled with sniveling children and worried spouses. The worst part was that every time a solemn doctor came to speak with one of them, they were each filled with a cold dread buried deep in the pits of their stomachs. And though they wouldn't feel it now, they would feel guilty later for the overwhelming relief that freed them when the bad news was for some other family. When they were drifting off to sleep, and they realized that there was now another widow in the world, another fatherless infant, that's when the guilt would catch up with them. And, finally, a doctor came for Dr. Cox.

"He could be worse," the doctor said as he looked at the chart.

Perry growled at the man. "I don't care how much worse it could be, tell me what the hell is going on!"

The doctor stuttered at the reply. He worked in a completely different area than Cox, and he was unfamiliar with the man. "He uh, has a concussion, a few broken ribs, some internal bleeding, and his left hand is wrecked."

_His hand? _Perry thought as he listened to the injuries. _Every person has that last moment of self-preservation, and Newbie must have tried to stop the car._

"We won't know if there is any more… permanent damage until he wakes up, which should be relatively soon," the doctor continued carefully. Perry's mouth went dry, and he felt the beginnings of a headache as he realized what the doctor meant. _Permanent damage… Brain damage…_

Perry sat in the room, watching as everyone walked passed, those close to J.D. giving him a look of complete distaste. He had fallen asleep at one point and once he checked his watch, he was shocked. _I've been asleep for six hours!_ He ran to the desk.

"What room is Dorian in?"

"Room 312," the secretary said before going back to her computer. Perry ran down the hall, and took the three flights of stairs in mere seconds. Once he reached Newbie's room, he took a moment to breathe.

"Dr. Cox!" Elliot yelled as she swiped furiously at the tears streaking her face. "How could you do something like that?"

"I didn't actually do anything, just said something," He mumbled as he walked into the room. He winced as he took in the unmoving figure on the bed, his hand bandaged and his head patched. He sat on the chair beside the bed and took solace in the steady beeping of the heart monitor, drifting off to sleep once more a short while later.

"Cox?" J.D. whispered as he saw the man's eyes flutter open. Perry came to full attention within seconds, rushing over to check pupil size and reactivity, heart pounding with relief.

"Sharon, how are you feeling?" he asked. He had a sneaking suspicion that he already knew the answer to that question, but was forced to ask.

"Kind of crappy," J.D. replied, stifling a yawn with his good hand.

"When was the last time you were asleep?" Dr. Cox asked, grateful that he was able to detach himself from the case enough to be a reliable doctor.

"I'm not sure." J.D. rubbed his irritated eyes, struggling to focus them on Perry.

Rolling his eyes, Perry ordered, "Newbie, close your eyes and rest. I'll order up some more morphine."

"Okay. Thanks, Cox," he mumbled as he turned over. He lay on his side for a while before drifting off. Perry stood in the room until the door opened.

"Dr. Cox, you need to explain to us what happened," Carla said as she shut the door softly, not to wake her Bambi.

For the next hour Dr. Cox told her everything that happened, from the roof to the bar, to the street. After she took it all in she spoke.

"You never should have told him that," she said looking at the weakened body.

"I know," he whispered, before Turk walked into the room.

"What are we going to do about him? We can't leave him alone anymore, not after an injury like this. Someone needs to take care of him," Turk pointed out, sighing, dismayed that he had to watch his best friend so closely that he would have little to no privacy, but in all honesty, he was simply glad that his V-Bear was going to walk out of this with minimal damage.

"You know we can't keep him at our apartment. We can't watch him the whole time," Carla mumbled, feeling guilty and self-conscious about their lack of space and time for their closest friend.

Without hesitation or second thoughts, Perry declared, "He'll stay at my house."

Finally, he had the chance to make up for everything he had done.


End file.
